Well it has been Facebook official for awhile now so this isn't news to many, but I wanted to tell our story. The story of how our Lord always has perfect timing, how He blesses those that truly don't deserve it, and how he carries us when we are too worn to move on.
**Disclaimer- This post references ovulation, and cycles.. if you are a boy and that makes you uncomfortable you may want to skip this one. Also, I know that our struggle was shorter than most and I feel guilty even claiming the pain of infertility, but I wanted to share my heart and the story of what I consider to be our little miracle. My heart aches for those still trying and yearning for a baby. Please know that I pray for your aching hearts.
A few post back, I wrote about Eric and I's difficult summer last year. We were both looking for jobs, and struggling with our walks with the Lord, and with each other. In the midst of all of that I stopped having a cycle. This had never happened to me before, I had always been regular and so I just knew I was pregnant! I took tons of tests, all came back negative. Then after three months of nothing I decided it was time to go in and find out what was going on. My sweet doctor couldn't find anything obviously wrong so she asked if we were ready to start trying and how serious we were. I told her we were pretty serious so she started talking about how easy this would be to fix; just take a little clomid and that should fix this right up.
Now, if you know me, you know I have control issues and I used to be a planner. (I say used to be because the Lord is working on these issues with me. Teaching me that HE is the ultimate planner and that his plan is perfect!) I had NEVER thought we would have trouble getting pregnant. I have thought and dreamed of being pregnant since we got married and felt it was my turn! I had waited so long and someone owed me this joy that everyone woman is supposed to have... right?
So because I had this "plan" and wonderful idea that had just fallen apart in that doctor's office I went through many emotions when she mentioned taking medication to help us get pregnant. First I felt guilty and ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't do what any other woman could do, ashamed that I needed help. I felt guilty for thinking about taking the medicine, that I wasn't trusting the Lord, that I was taking matters into my own hands.
I came home and told Eric our options. He too was not ready to jump into this clomid business. We decided to just take the medicine that would force me to have a cycle, but not the clomid that would specifically mature eggs and all that scarey stuff we knew nothing about. I just knew the Lord was going to reward my "trusting" him by not taking the stronger meds and he would allow me to get pregnant on my own. He made my body right, so he could heal whatever was going on. (Oh how I am thankful for His plan and that he has control of all things, not me!)
Well, two months later, two rounds of the meds to force a cycle later and we still weren't pregnant. Not even close, I still was not ovulating on my own. Back to the doctor I went. By this time she had a name for what was going on with me. PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. She also encouraged me again to try the Clomid.
After coming home and doing a bit more research, Eric and I decided to start the Clomid. I was also able to call a friend who had been down this journey. She reassured me that all my emotions and feelings were valid. She was also able to help explain to me the process I would be going through and what all the words and acronyms meant. I can't tell you what a help it was to hear from her that it was ok to feel what I was feeling. Praise the Lord for friends that are willing to share their experiences and hurts to help others struggling with the same battle.
So we started another round of the Provera (to make me have a cycle) and then the counting days, and keeping track of when to take the Clomid and when I would need a booster shot started. It felt like every day/ week was just a number. Every day hoping and praying this would be the round that would work. Well, to keep it a bit less personal I'll rush through the rest of the process. To sum it up on a certain day I had to go in and they were going to check if the Clomid had worked. If there were any eggs that were mature enough to give me the shot that would release them. Round one, I went in and they found one good egg, but it wasn't big enough. My doctor told me to come back in a few days and we would look again. It as big enough! Praise the Lord! A shot to release the egg and three weeks later... negative pregnancy test. I was crushed. Again, I know for those going through this process expecting it to work the first time was silly of me, but I didn't know the first time doesn't normally work.
That is when I began to really face hard thoughts. I can remember coming home from Christmas with family and just sitting on the counter crying in Eric's arms, just wanting a baby. Thoughts of the expense of all these shots, and how much longer could we afford this. Knowing we couldn't afford the really expensive procedures and what would we do then....
*Can I take a break and say how amazing the men that are standing with their wives struggling with infertility are! Not only do they have to go through the emotions and thoughts of wanting to be a father and the possibility of that not happening one day, they also have to be a support system for their emotionally unstable wives! Eric was there every time to let me cry and pray with me, and for us! He is a wonderful man and I would be lost without him! *
Ok, back to this quick(ish) summed up story of how this sweet baby Bonstead came to be. So after the first round did not work, we started the process of round two. We upped the dosage, prayed and started the counting game again. When it was time for me to go in to check the eggs, it was a miracle... I had THREE that were looking good, but again, not good enough. Doctor told me to come in after the weekend and we would check again. Well since my last egg got big enough so I just KNEW these three would take a few days to get nice and plump! Tuesday came, I went in and they were gone. That sweet nurse looked for half an hour, when I'm sure she knew from the beginning they were gone. I couldn't hold back the tears while she searched. It just felt like another failure, more counting, more pills, more shots and more money. I was devastated. The next day my doctor called and said we should take some blood work to see if I ovulated on my own and that's where those eggs went. HOPE! There was a light after all! Well, a few days later the results came back... I didn't ovulate. They just disappeared.
While we mourned round two, we immediately started round three. Another 10 days of counting with the Provera (to make me have a cycle) and then we would do the clomid again. Well the provera, which had always done it's job in the past, didn't work. I just knew it was because the pharmacy gave me the off brand instead of the real stuff and so again, I would have to wait another 10 days before we could start round three. After waiting about a week for the provera to work... I decided to take a test before I called my doctor the next day. I wasn't excited to take the test, I was actually dreading it because after so many negatives it just gets old to be so excited then three minutes later, so sad.
This time, I didn't even need to wait the three minutes to find out! I ran into the bedroom, woke Eric up and asked if he saw what I saw... a second line! I was scared to get too excited, this couldn't be! I didn't ovulate! My body doesn't do that on it's own anymore! So I called my doctor and we got blood work that proved yes, we were pregnant!
I will leave out the emotions that went along with this. It actually took along time for me to truly believe that we were pregnant. We saw the precious little heart beat at 6 and half weeks but even then it was hard to believe this was happening.
I am now almost 16 weeks along and still amazed at our Heavenly Father! He has taught me so much through this journey! Most of all to trust Him and His timing! To rely on him when I'm so tired and worn, when I have no control of anything anymore. THAT is when he shines, when we have nothing else to give or to control. Isn't that so beautiful? That he wants us when we are at our weakest, our most vulnerable, because that is when we see his strength and his glory! I just can't put into words how the Lord has pulled me closer to himself through this experience. I am so thankful for his love and grace! There just aren't the right words to express it.
I feel like I have not done this topic justice. There are so many who can write more eloquently on this subject but I just wanted to share our miracle with you guys. I'm praying daily for the health and strength of this sweet little one. We will find out the gender on June 7th and we can not wait!
With another summer coming, I want to do a post on how and where the Lord has brought me and Eric since last year. But I'll save that for another time because this post is just way too long as it is.
For those that knew about our struggles... thank you for praying. Thank you for mourning the failed cycles with us and allowing me to cry with you! I am blessed with the best family and friends a girl could ask for!
-Bon
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