I'm missing my brother tonight... well not him technically, the relationship. I don't let myself think about him or our situation often. But every week, when I watch Intervention I can't push back the thoughts of Ryan. The episode I just watched there were two brothers. The one, that had the addition problem, and the other that had removed himself from the relationship. While he was reading him his letter he said something that I wish I could tell to Ryan. He said "what you may perceive as a lack of love, is a determination to protect myself." That's how I feel. I still love my brother, how could I not! But it hurts too much to think about it, and to try and continue that relationship when there is so much hurt. I know I need to forgive, and make that step to have a relationship again. I know he wants it. He always tells mom to tell me hi, to tell me that he loves me. That's the problem... he still thinks of me as his "little sister" that he can protect and love on. But I took myself out of that role years ago... when his actions hurt me. It just kills me that I am the only one, that he doesn't understand, or maybe he just doesn't want to admit why I act this way. It has been over a year since I've talked to or seen my brother. I can't remember that last thing I said to him. Or the last time I saw him. It must have been some time before the wedding... months before? It just kills me that so many things have changed in my life that he knows nothing about. I'm a married woman, with a teaching job and the cutest dog in the world! (that he hasn't met) I don't know whats worse, that he doesn't know anything about my life, or that I'm scared for him to. I just don't know how to bridge that gap between being hurt, and forgiveness. Between what we were, to what will now have to be. I'm not sure how long I can keep up with this Scarlet O'Hara facade. "I'll think about it tomorrow." It was easier this last year while he was in jail, but now... what now? Next time I go see my parents will he be there? And how will that go?! "Hi brother of mine that I haven't seen or talked to in over a year... what's up?" Really? I mean... I have no clue where to go from here. But I just know something must happen. I have to figure out how to have a relationship, even if it's a distant one, with him. And how do I make him understand that it can't be hugs and friendly talk right off the bat. That there are hurt feelings and issues that aren't just going to go away. But THEN... when I do want to talk about the hurt... I feel guilty for feeling hurt and throwing it in his face. AH! Any help out there? I'm sorry for this guys... it just kind of came out. :(
If anything comes from this... it's that I want my children to have a wonderful relationship with each other. I pray that they will never feel the things I do toward their siblings.
Again, sorry guys for the random pity party... I'll be back to my happy self tomorrow.
-Bon
Bonnie: I am very PROUD of YOU. It's good to vent and get out your feelings. I'm praying for you. I know God will lead you.
ReplyDeleteLove you much,
Your Mom
Hi Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteI came to your blog tonight, not for the original reason your mother sent me the url, but rather, to enlist help, perhaps, or just have someone to talk to. I'm a close, or at least we used to be, friend of your mother's. We meet once, at a birthday (?) dinner your mother cooked. I'm Sandra, the woman she meet in Bridges to Life.
She is a wonderful person, as is Ron, I can easily see how your turned out so wonderful.
Ryan, on the other hand, OMG!
You may or may not be aware of the fact that your mother asked me, 32 days ago, if I could please help her and allow Ryan to stay in one of my spare bedrooms. She did this with the knowledge that I have helped many people before, often homeless, however, the last experience forced me to resign from the "helping the homeless" gig.
Believe me, it was only your mother's tears that prompted the "Ok" that seemed to fly out of my mouth.
In these past 32 days, I have learned a LOT. Know, I just need to know how to get out of this situation without getting hurt, physically or materially, and hopefully maintaining my friendship with your mother. The real problem is that she is NOT going to like what I have to tell her. Frankly, I don't even know where to start. Without saying too much in a public forum, I should just keep it at: Ryan has several issue, at least one of which, really must (for his own good and that of society) MUST be medicated. I know the Ryan has a wonderful heart, but he doesn't realize that so much of his behavior is, well, anti-social.
I had really thought that I could help him, unfortunately, I believe he is so steeped in his disorder, that he can't break through.
I did, however, give it an honest effort and I'm trying to connect him with other services, it's just that the situation is not one that most, if not all, of the non-profits, will tolerate.
That said, I don't expect you to do anything. Actually, it would probably complicate things. I just had to vent and as you said so eloquently in your previous posts, this is a great place to do so.
Oh, last but not least, do NOT feel bad about being angry. I have worked with many people who suffer addiction and/or self-medicate from a serious mental condition, it is imperative that they understand their AFFECT on others. This understanding, I'm sorry to say, is something that Ryan will probably NEVER get unless he succumbs to the reality of his disorder and it's need for medication, probably for the rest of his life.
Thank you so much for listening. It makes me smile when I think of you and Eric and your happiness, it is so well deserved.
God Bless you both,
Sandra
You can email me at sandra@atimetorestore.org, if you wish.