Trust in the Lord with all your heart..

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

It's funny how the Lord uses things from childhood to help you through life's difficulties. Growing up, my mom always led children's choir. I then ended up following in her foot steps in high school.  When my mom led, we memorized verses through song. Now I've never been the best and most motivated person when it comes to memorizing verses, so my verse bank is sadly small. Well, Eric and I have been going through a challenging couple of months. This verse, that came back to me through the silly little song that I learned when I was probably 7, has carried us through; and has spurred us to begin to grow that verse bank. I now want to fill my mind with scripture and songs to remind me of His love for me, and the things that really matter.

This last school year was rough. Since I'm public I don't want to get into too many details. But through many different circumstances, I am not returning to Tyler this fall. I resigned before spring break.  My heart was broken, my pride was crushed, but through it all I just kept thinking "the Lord has a better way for me."

Fast forward to April, April 16th to be exact. Eric had a job opportunity fall into his lap. It sounded great, we prayed about it and moved forward. April 16th was his first day. It became very evident very fast that this was not the place for Eric. After three sleepless anxious filled nights, and I mean zero sleep, and a trip to the ER, he thanked them for the opportunity, but resigned. So here we were, our financial future unknown.  We were broken, scared, anxious and lost.   Where was the Lord's plan for us? We prayed about this, where was his flashing warning sign? When will normalcy and peace come to us again? These are the thoughts we struggled with.

Friends, I'm overwhelmed thinking back to this time. Thinking back to those emotions and feelings of desperation.  Fast forward with me. Eric's panic search only lasted about a month and half.  He was offered a position for a company locally. We praised the Lord, I thanked him for rescuing us! But friends I'm sad to admit I still was not satisfied. The whole time I trusted that we were going through all of this so that the Lord could bring Eric to this amazing, high paying, easy job, that Eric would have never looked for unless he was forced into a job search. I just knew that the Lord was going to bless us in this unbelievable financial way. Why wouldn't he? He loves us, and we are his. We go to church. Hey I even make meals for my friends when they have babies. Others seem to be blessed financially, why not us? Isn't it our turn?

Well the number came in from the offer, and is wasn't what I expected. In my mind, we were not being rescued. I was that selfish, spoiled child that could not be satisfied. I was angry at the Lord. Hadn't we been through enough, the sleepless nights, the anxious moments, the tears. Wasn't that enough Lord? Don't we deserve for this trial to end?

I'm ashamed that these were my thoughts. But the Lord is big, and powerful and mighty. And oh, so gracious. He took my anger and selfishness and pride and he gave me mercy and love, and above all forgiveness. He showed me what is important in this world. That HE has overcome the cross that HE wants my whole heart and that HE will do whatever it takes, lead me down whatever path and pain that might look like to have all of me. That HE is a jealous God and he will not allow me to go down the prideful, worldly path that I was headed down. I am so thankful that He loves us enough to stop us in our sinful pride. Eric and I were not tithing, we were not thankful for his provisions, we were not growing in him. But HE loves us, HE loves through it all.

Fast forward with me again. Today. Today I sit home, alone, jobless, baby plan-less, unknowing of the future. Eric's job while it's not the money I expected it's also not an easy one. The company is growing faster than they were prepared for and Eric's work load is big, and his training has been small. We are still struggling that this trail that Lord is causing us to go through is still not over. That the planner in me is struggling, wanting to know when; when a job will come for me, when a better one will come for Eric, or even for this one to ease up, when we will be able to grow our family, when we will feel strong and secure again.

But, (oh what a beautiful word that is) the Lord knows. The Lord loves us. The Lord is good, and his plans are perfect, even when we don't know or understand them. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I always read that and thought "see, I will have a good, prosperous life!" Ha! I've missed the point all these years. We are His, he has bought us with a price. And because of that we have hope and a future and we have already prospered... over death, and sin, and fear, and anxiety and all of the emotions and struggles that we have gone through and will ever go through. 

"Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no heard in the stalls; yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will have joy in the God of my salvation." -Habakkuk 3:17

This is my prayer, for this trial that Eric and I are still going through. But I want to praise him. I want to dance in His love and be thankful for his goodness and power and might.

Friends, it's with shaking hands that I write this. If you are in the boat with me, having doubts that this pain will stop, not knowing when this path of anxiety and fear will end. Lets have faith together! Lets praise His name, even through the pain, lets praise his name together! I'll leave with the verses that Eric and I have been meditating on for the last few months.


"Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praise worthy, think (Eric's version says dwell, I like that better) on such things."- Philippians 4:8

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

and of course, the one that started it all:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting and Leaning on Him,
Bonnie